Cooking with Arnold II

Due to popular demand, here are more from the pages of Arnold's cookbook:

Sandwiches and Hash Browns

1. Wash 2 potatoes and take out your potato peeler. Start peeling.
2. 20 minutes have passed and you’re still halfway on your first potato. Dump that stupid thing and take out a paring knife. Continue peeling.
3. Good! Just seconds later, the potato is now completely peeled. You realize that the good thing about the potato peeler is that it only takes out the skin while the paring knife takes out the skin AND probably a good ¼ inch of potato with it. Now the potato is only big enough for 5 to 6 small french fries. Wash another potato and peel again.
4. An hour later, you have 2 and 1/3 peeled potatoes. It’s not completely peeled though, there are still some spots that have skins that for some reason, the potato peeler can’t remove. Let’s leave those there for… hmmm… flavor (yeah right)
5. Take out the cheese grater and a plate. Grate the potato into the plate.
6. Sheesh, INTO the plate, not AROUND. Now there’s potato everywhere. Potato on the floor, potato on the table, potato in the frying pan (excited), potato in the sink, potato inside the toaster, potato in my beer.
7. Wipe the potato pieces into the floor. We’ll clean it up later. This is cooking with Arnold, not cleaning with Arnold. Notice that there’s enough on the floor for 2-3 hash browns?
8. Set aside that big yellow pile and take out an onion.
9. Great. No onions. Look for an onion substitute.
10. Congratulations. You found garlic. We wonder where we last used this? It’s the closest thing we have to an onion anyway. That’ll do.
11. Do that cool thing again with the side of the knife. Remove the skin this time. We must learn from our past mistakes. Chop up garlic and mix with the…
12. The big yellow pile is now a big peach pile. How did that happen? Do potatoes really turn peach? Oh well, mix in the garlic.
13. Melt butter into a skillet. Mmmmm! Doesn’t that smell good? Melt some more. You can never have too much butter.
14. Scoop some of that peach mess into the skillet. Potatoes should now be swimming in butter. Hey, they’re not peach anymore! Press in the potatoes with a spatula.
15. Lower the heat to “ridiculously low” (probably 1 or 2) then run down to 7-11 and buy a burger. This should go well with the “hash browns”.
16. 15 minutes later, we’re back with a burger, a donut, a bottle of coke, a six pack of Miller Lite, a pint of cookies and cream ice cream, a bag of Lays and a bag of Ruffles.
17. Oh good, the hash blacks are ready. Flip them and burn the other side naman.
18. One side black, one side brown. Put in a plate and taste it first before frying up another batch.
19. Yuck! Garlic doesn't taste like onions (duh!). Abort! Abort! Dump it in the trash… no wait, use the food disposal thingie… that one looks cool too.

To be continued…

I had a burger, a donut, Lays, ice cream and a Miller Lite for lunch instead.