Tiger Jokes

Tiger’s such an easy target and before long, a lot of these Tiger jokes are being circulated around.
If you’re not following the Tiger Woods story, here are the events in a nutshell:

#1: Tiger crashed his van just outside his driveway. He was knocked out and was saved by his wife by smashing the windows of his car and dragging him out. Tiger was not drunk or anything.

#2: Tiger was caught by his wife when she inspected his phone and saw an unidentified number. Eventually, his wife confirmed that Tiger was seeing someone else.

#3: At least 10 women suddenly announced that they too had an affair with Tiger Woods.
Gatorade and Accenture dropped Tiger from their sponsorship.

Rumor has it that #1 probably happened in a different order since Tiger’s version of the story didn’t make sense. They say, Tiger and his wife, Elin, were arguing, Tiger tries to drive off but Elin smashes the back of his car. Tiger looks back, loses control of his van and crashes into a hydrant. Makes more sense right

Anyways, here are a couple of Tiger jokes being passed around:

• Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.


• What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.


• Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.


• Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.


• (from Stephen Colbert) Tiger always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress."


• (from Conan O'Brien) One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express.


• Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?


• The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."


• Ping has a new set of irons called Elins. They're clubs you can beat Tiger with.


• Tiger is now in trouble with his sponsor Gillette because he said that “this was the closest shave I have had yet.”


• Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger’s wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.


• Tiger crashed his car because he was in a rush to move on to the second hole.


• Someone should explain to Tiger’s wife that hitting a driver meant the club, not the guy in the front seat. Imagine what will happen the next time he asks his wife to do some ironing.


• Last Friday, Tiger Woods hit a tree and a bunch of ladies fell out


• Did you hear that Nike just dropped Tiger as a spokesperson…but Trojan is picking him up.


• All of Tiger’s troubles should be blamed on His fans. They keep edging Him on. Every time He hits the ball, some fan yells out “get in the ho”.


• Tiger Woods was sitting on Santa lap..Santa said HO HO HO..and tiger looked and said where where where

My personal jokes:
Q: Why did Tiger crash his vehicle?
A: He forgot the Earth’s rotation. (sorry, I think only ACN employees will get this)

Q: Why was there a massive spike in orders to Amber’s and Pizza Hut?
A: Tiger got rolled off.

We shouldn’t be surprised he was fired. That’s what you get for going on an indefinite leave.

Run Number One

It was a cold dark morning as I sat on the passenger seat of our car, parked at Bonifacio High Street. My brother and nephews were already warming up while I was still busy pinning my bib number for the 3rd time (I always had it crooked). Well, it was supposed to be dark – it was still 5 in the morning (excited).



It’s the Philstar Run2009 event, my first running event and we entered the 5K course.

There was already a small crowd there for the 21K which was starting at 5:30am and most were wearing the standard issue event singlet. The remaining either wore full body suits, tights, branded singlets or singlets from other races. I couldn’t wear the event singlet since even at 3XL, the darn thing still didn’t fit me. I had a dri-fit shirt on instead and some basketball shorts.




There was a commotion right before the race. There were security guards running and shouting something about a guy in blue. It looks like this guy stole something and now he’s being chased by security. If you’re planning to do a grab and run, why would you do it in an event full of runners?

We lined up for the start of the run as it started to drizzle. Drizzle means no sun, which means it’s good… I think. I did some more last minute ankle rotations and stretches while this guy at the PA started counting down. I reminded my brother and my nephews to go ahead without me since I plan to start really slow so I can pace myself. Diesel engines need to warm up faster.

One thing I was nervous about – I haven’t seen anyone fatter than me. There was this huge guy but he was just taking pictures. My nephew suddenly came up to me shouting “Ninong! Ayun o mas mataba!”. I looked and confirmed that I was at least the second fattest guy running in the event. I just wished he didn’t shout it out loud though.

The run started and everyone jogged along 28th street. The street was crowded and when I started to pick up the pace it was like driving along EDSA where I would snake in between groups of people. This one guy was already exhausted at the end of the street and started walking – one objective completed: Don’t be the first guy to walk.




0.75 KM – Right foot started to hurt. I was staring at it while thinking if I did something wrong like wear thick socks or lace up my shoes too tightly. I looked back up and realized I was the only one running with my head down (bad for running posture). As if I could stare away my foot problem anyway.



1 KM – As planned, I have to walk .5 km to rest. In my practice runs, I could go further than 1Km but I end up walking most of the way later. Time to take more pictures.

1.25 KM – a scooter with sirens asked the 5K runners to part in the middle like the red sea. The scooter zoomed by followed by 7 or 8 runners from the 21K. I think they were the leaders of the 21K run.





2.1 KM – This was the botched part of the course. The thing is, you start at Bonifacio High Street then run all the way to Lawton where you’ll find a U-turn slot then you need to run all the way back to High Street. While nearing the U-turn slot, the runners who were already on their way back were shouting something.

“Balik! Balik! Mali daw.”. Some race marshals asked them to turn around since they should be on a different route. I had to ask around to confirm that it’s not just a mean joke. It was true.

We ran back to this race marshal a few meters back and crowded around her while asking where we were supposed to run. My brother and my uncle were both there. She explained that it was supposed to be there ahead but she was hesitating as if she was unsure. This led to a lot of angry runners as we probably wasted around 5 minutes asking and confirming. I broke through the crowd and asked that she just tells us where we should go. She pointed towards Lawton street so I jogged towards there.



It’s funny though since the rest of the runners I was with were mumbling as they clomped along – “%&@# organizers yan” or “sayang time ko” or “sino ba kasi nag plano nito?”. Tsk tsk, I smell a lot of protests after the race.

2.5 KM – At the U turn slot, a race marshal pointed that the 5K runners should run back now while 10K runners should go ahead. They didn’t give us anything – no stamp, no wristband, no anything. What if I cheated and took the U-turn a few meters back? There was no way of telling right? (Apparently, a lot of people did this in frustration with that botched course thing). Pinoy talaga…

I saw this other slow, chubby guy who I used as a baseline. I could zip by him pretty easily. Once I started walking and I saw him passing me, that was the signal for me to start running again.




3.25 KM – Here’s something I didn’t train for – running uphill and downhill. I stupidly walked at the bottom then started sprinting uphill. Stupid because I was going as fast as this guy who was just jogging and yet I was exerting double the effort. When the downhill part came, everyone started running while I was walking out of gas. People were zipping past me. Experience is what we call our mistakes right?



3.5 KM – I stepped on a rock and by instinct I hopped to a stop and took a quick seat on the sidewalk while I check my knee, my foot, my calf and my ankles. Knee was surprisingly ok (thanks to that patellar band), ankles were tender but were good, feet were tired but with 1.5 KM to go, they would have given me the thumbs up.

“If my feet had hands they would have given me the thumbs up” >> one of the stupidest analogies ever in this blog.

4 KM – A stabbing sensation hit my tummy. Darn, it’s that side stitch thing. Again, I hopped to a stop while I bent over to relieve the pain and told myself that we were 1 kilometer away from the finish. If this were the Stations of the Cross, this would go as “Arnold falls for the second time”.



Good thing I did research on this earlier and an article advised runners who encounter this to run with their hands behind their heads. I guess this clears up something on the tummy area. Runners would ask me if I was ok to which I pounded my chest and gave them a nod. Great, now my chest hurts.

I started running now with my hand behind my head. I guess other runners are wondering who I’m surrendering to.

4.5 KM – I was officially out of gas. My burst of runs doesn’t last longer than 10 seconds and I ended up walking. I looked behind me and saw “Mr. Baseline” a good block away from me which means I don’t have to rush. My brother, my nephews and my aunt should be finished by now. I saw my uncle earlier ahead of me so I was guessing he was already done too.






4.9 KM – Time to empty out the tank. Whatever I had left, I should burn them off now on the last part of the run. Once I walked past this intersection I suddenly burst into my final full blown sprint as if someone just let the neighbor’s angry dog out. My form was no longer correct and I couldn’t feel my knees anymore. I passed through the finish line which flashed “45:something:something” and was greeted by my aunt. My uncle trodded along next and I started to wonder at what point did I pass him. Ye-gads... I looked terrible.





I saw Miriam Quiambao next posing with some runners, making her the second celebrity we saw today. Earlier at the parking lot, we saw Rovilson Fernandez who walked past our car but didn’t even bother taking a picture of him.

Me: “Pao, si Rovilson Fernandez o!!”
Pao: “Oo nga no!!”
Me: (drank Gatorade)
Pao: (ate a banana)

I walked towards our car and saw my brother and nephews with an open cooler chugging on Gatorade. Anjo finished at 27 minutes. Mycky finished at 30+ minutes and my brother finished at 40 minutes with Miriam. I know my brother can finish the whole thing well below 40 minutes but for some reason he slowed down. Let’s call it the “running with Miriam” effect



I told them I finished at 45 minutes but I spent a couple of minutes on that botched part. My aunt told me that they were supposed to give out wrist bands to show that you really turned around at the designated U-turn slot, which they never did. I heard also that runners who finished at around 35+ minutes encountered “traffic” in the finish line since the organizers had to rip off that serial number thing on your bib. My brother explained to me that it was frustrating since instead of running across the finish line the way I did, they had to fall in line in the finish line and saw precious seconds tick by.

I noticed during the race that some were well equipped with a racing belt and notches for bottled water. I had a belt too but it a do-it-yourself running belt using my office belt, a camera case with a belt notch and two office binder clips to keep the case from sliding. I also noticed that I was the only one running with a camera. How Pinoy is that?

I realized also that Nike was not the leader in running gears. I looked around and people were wearing Asics, New Balance, Asics, Adidas, Asics, Asics, Asics, New Balance and Asics. There was one wearing the new Nike Lunar Glide+ but no one else was wearing my 2 year old Aix Max 180’s.

Overall, it was a good run albeit my turtle-like speed. At least I wasn’t nursing any injuries after the run. My knees, ankles and feet all held up fine. Something tells me we’ll see a lot of these events next year.

Philstar Run2009

It’s official. I’ve signed up for my first ever running event – the 5K in Christmas Celebrity Run2009 on December 20 sponsored by The Philippine Star. I’m running with my brother Paolo and two nephews, Mycky and Anjo. The event will benefit GILAS (Gearing Up Internet Literacy and Access for Students).

I’m unable to obtain an official list of the actual celebrities who will be running but based on an old report, the following will be joining: Christine Jacob-Sandejas, Maricel Laxa, Anthony Pangilinan, Gary V, Rovilson Fernandez, Marc Nelson, Claudine Barretto, Raymart Santiago, KC Concepcion, Drew Arellano, Piolo Pascual. According to the guy who processed my form, Jericho Rosales (10K), Carlos Agassi (10K), Marc Nelson (21K) and Tuesday Vargas (21K) will be there.

As for my training, I treated my injured foot and tried to do a 5K. The result:

5.01 km in 41 minutes

That’s longer than an episode of CSI.

My foot held up well but now I have a dull pain on both my knees forcing me to take additional rest days and extra stretching sessions.

By the way, funny story: I had a quick 2.5KM run the other night at 11pm. The streets are practically deserted and it was darker than usual since the Christmas lights have been turned off. Running in this environment is peaceful but sometimes gives me the creeps. After running through this small dark road, I turned into this 4 lane main road. Immediately after turning, I slowed down into a lazy jog as I was shocked with what I saw next: ~50 people half a mile away, mostly dressed in white were walking very slowly towards me.

I stopped and placed my hands on my waist. I know there's a logical explanation for this but I'm telling you, they all looked like zombies to me. I guess I've been playing too much Left for Dead and Dead Rising. I walked slowly and when they got nearer, nope, they're people. There was this group of ladies that simultaneously cackled and it echoed through the night. Eventually, I realized what was going on... Simbang Gabi.

After doing my final physical evaluation, I’m good to go despite a sore right foot, a sore right ankle and a sore knee. I’m not really sure what to expect tomorrow but my objective is to just finish standing up and not be hauled on a stretcher. I’m a bit worried though since my last workout just lasted 1.25KM after I suffered that side stitch thing but I have to consider that my body clock is all messed up since I worked night shifts the past few days.

Bahala na si Batman… updates tomorrow! :D

The Training Setback

Training’s tougher than I imagined.

I’m not following any complex training schedule or specialized conditioning plan. I just drive home from work, slap on my running shoes and run outside. If I don’t feel like running, you’ll find me sprawled in the living room playing Call of Duty on Wii.

One morning, I had my simulated session – treated the day as if it was race day. I wore the running gear I plan to wear during the race, did my usual warm ups and headed out.

1.7 kilometers and that was it.

I came back limping with a very bad case of plantar fasciitis. It felt like I stepped over a nail. It felt like I had a rock inside my shoe. It felt like my foot was about to split in two.

Wow, I didn’t even reach half my goal. Plantar fasciitis has bugged me for quite a while now and this is the reason why I wear special insoles in my sneakers.

5 kilometers? I think I bit off more than what I can chew.

The Fallen Tiger

Poor Tiger.

After all the things that happened recently: the car incident, the transgressions, the fall from grace, the indefinite leave, now one of his major sponsors has dropped him: http://sports.espn.go.com/golf/news/story?id=4739219

Gillette is also starting to phase him out but his other sponsors including Electronic Arts, Tag Heuer, AT&T, Nike, Golf Digest and Gatorade are sticking with him. While I could say it sucks to be Tiger right now, I realized that he has 11 remaining sponsors and that’s 11 more than what I have.

The problem with his ads is that all of his taglines now have double entendre especially considering that over a dozen women have claimed to play a few holes with Tiger (feel free to replace this with your own Tiger joke).

Case in point:


Really, is it in you?


Tiger took it literally.


If Tiger was indeed hooking up with a lot of women and they all claim he was an excellent lover, an ad that measures something just douses the fire with gasoline.

and my personal favorite:

I wonder what those 10 tips are...

I guess it was a logical move to drop him as a brand image since:
1. We can’t really expect a golfer to endorse something if he’s not out there playing.
2. He isn’t the same old dominating Tiger.
3. They already had him for the last couple of years, which means it’s time for a change!

Replacing him won’t be easy though since he’s virtually plastered all over the place. You could replace him with a basic logo or a tag line but that’s boring and that’s just bad for marketing. I think they should look for another spokesperson. Here are my suggestions on who they can get:

Adam Lambert

Background: American Idol runner up. He's new in the scene. In baseball terms, he’s a prospect, an extremely risky prospect. He does draw attention though. Any publicity is good publicity I guess.

Tag line: High Performance Solutions: For Your Entertainment!

Downside: Controversial ads. Imagine being in a meeting with a client – “Hi! I’m Arn from this company being represented by a guy who shoved another guy to his yagabadoodles on national TV”.

Manny Villar

Background: 2010 presidential candidate. He’s already everywhere. There are infomercials of him helping OFW’s, helping the poor, reminding everyone that he grew up from a poor family, fighting with our troops in Mindanao, sang “I Have Nothing” on Oprah and started a youth group aimed at diverting students away from street gangs, earning him an award on CNN. Uh oh, sarcasm meter just blew up.

Tag line:
Akala mo conyo yun pala ka-email mo
Akala mo walang alam yun pala lead mo
Akala mo trapo yun pala ka-project mo
Akala mo BPG yun pala CPG

Downside: After all the money thrown into marketing, he’s still at 20% in recent surveys.

Piolo

Background: Local actor / model with chiseled abs and straight teeth. Makes the ladies go: “aaaaaaayyyyyy Piooooooolloooooooooooo!”. Makes the men go “Sus, bading yan.”

Tag line: No tag line. His ad would always just be him without a shirt on (and maybe a badge).

Seriously though, not counting his Belo ads, in what other ad was it really necessary for him to be shirtless?

Downside: Imagine this memo from HR – “Please wait while we automatically download the new Piolo 2010 summer collection Windows screensaver to your machine”. While this would surely be ok with the ladies, I’d be very disturbed and I’ll end up typing and moving my mouse all day to ensure that I won’t be idle for 5 minutes. Thank goodness they didn’t go with DingDong.

Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao

Background: The only boxer to win seven titles in… ugh, I’m sure you’ve heard that a million times already. He’s a marketing juggernaut who can sell anything (and comes with a thousand Pacquiao jokes). Heck, he can even sell baby diapers if he wanted to. Just ask him to take off his shirt, do a boxing pose and hang something around him. He’s a winner and a champion, pretty much like the guy they got rid recently.

Tag line: Hay sulusyon dilebered… you know. Nak awt ang prublema nyo sa ay-te.

Downside: Besides the terrible tag line, he only has one or two matches left in him and he’s entering politics. He also has his own share of transgressions, pretty much like the guy they got rid recently.

The Road to 5K

I’m not built for running.

If people were cars, I would be your usual gas guzzling and bulky SUV. There were three distinct events in my life where it proved I was not destined to run.

- Back in grade school, my classmate Joe (Almonte) and I had to rush across the field to get a microphone for one of our projects. Joe is this tall, thin guy and I was the short, chubby one (think Mario and Luigi). I asked Joe to give me the mic so I can sprint back to the recording room only to tire out in the middle of the field and ended up walking. Joe took the mic and pranced to the recording room like a deer. LESSON: fat = slow, thin = fast = deer.

- In Chicago, there was this guy who I thought was mugging me. Terrified, I started sprinting away but I ended up running around in circles (as if I was running away from a cloud of bees). LESSON: I can’t run straight to save my life.


- Just recently, I went to Runnr, a shop in Bonifacio High Street for running gear. They had this high tech gizmo that scans your foot arch and running patterns. I tried on their arch measuring device and learned that my right foot is unusually flat. They asked me to run on their treadmill (which caused a loud “THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!” heard across the store… kinda spooked some of the customers) and when they were doing a slow motion of my running angle, basically my entire mechanics is wrong. LESSON: I’m not built to be fit. I God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have placed them on my knees.

The past few years were difficult for me as I had to deal with various major injuries to my leg, my knees, my ankles and my feet. I’m still undergoing rehabilitation but finally, the doctors cleared me to run and play basketball earlier this year... and lay off the Big Macs once in a while.

Now I’ve decided to join the 5K run. 5K is just a walk in the park (literally) for others. For me, it’s like my personal Bataan Death March. My physical limit is 3K after that my foot starts to hurt, then the right side of my tummy (they call it the “side stitch”… whatever that is), then after that I start to get really dizzy. I’ve never run farther than 3K even during my size 32 days.

So why run the 5K? Why not stay home and harvest crops (Farmville)? Well, I did my “50 things I need to do before hitting 30” and this is item number 10. Why did I include this in the list?

I’m Arnold… since when did I make sense?

Pinoys and Elevators

Jaye and I started with one observation about Pinoys and elevators. Having been to other countries, we can't help but compare how us Pinoys have unusual quirks when it comes to using elevators especially from office buildings. After making one observation, we started observing things more closely and came up with the following:

How come Pinoys press the buttons even if it’s already activated? Ganun ba kasigurista mga Pinoy?

How come Pinoys do this Indiana Jones-like scene where they would sprint towards a closing elevator door and lunge forwards to keep it from closing as if a serial killer was chasing them.

How come Pinoys who enter elevators also enter this parallel world where everything is the opposite? If you ask them to hold the door open, they will close it. If they get an alarm that the elevator is full, they still force themselves into the elevator (but more quietly this time… baka nga naman di mahalata ni manong elevator).

How come Pinoys treat elevators like MRT’s during lunch breaks? Kahit puno na yung elevator, they would still force themselves in like that scene in 300 with the Persians on the cliff.

How come Pinoys panic so much when the elevator sends out an alarm that the door has been kept open for too long? “Ayan kasya pa… *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*… “AAAYYYY!!!!! DALI!!! DALI!!!”

How come Pinoys ask if it’s going up when there’s a big up arrow on the side that’s blinking? If you point to the blinking arrow they'll tell you you're rude. So? It's better to be rude than stupid.

How come Pinoys are absolutely terrified when elevators creak, bangs or make unusual movements? It's like a vertical moving jeepney: it creaks and sputters but it will take you there.

How come Pinoys never talk to the operator over the intercom if they are asked if everything is ok? "M'am? m'am? Ok po ba kayo dyan? M'am?... *deadma*"

How come Pinoys never go to the back of the elevator?

How come Pinoys, especially a group of friends would only ride elevators all or nothing? If they’re a group of 6 and the elevator can only hold 5, no one gets on.

How come Pinoys don’t wrap up their conversations with someone who’s getting off a floor? “Ay oo, kumain kami kanina sa Mc… *door closed*”

How come Pinoys continue their conversations with someone who’s getting off a floor by holding the door (even with other people in the elevator)?

When an elevator stops on a certain floor, how come Pinoys still press the open door button? They also press the close door button while the door is still opening. Yep, every second counts.

How come Pinoys talk very loudly in elevators?

How come Pinoys continue phone conversations inside elevators then would be surprised if their conversation gets cut then finally, blames their service provider for such crappy service.

In a full elevator, how come Pinoys never ask someone else to push the button for their floor? They would try to reach around a couple of people to press the button for their floor ala plastic man. Oh right, note that the button is already pressed. Again, they just want to make sure.

How come Pinays would stand so close to the elevator buttons that it’s impossible to press the buttons without brushing against… you know. Yeah, I’ll just catch for the round trip. Baka kung ano pa mapindot ko.

Of Flat Tires and Good Samaritans

I was driving along C.P. Garcia inside the UP compound on my way to Jaye’s place. I had my iPod set up with my Glee playlist on (playing “Proud Mary”) and I was rolling, rolling, rolling past some old UP buildings. Suddenly there was a loud thud (sounded like metal on metal) and my car started skidding violently to the right. It was a good thing there were no pedestrians or street vendors there or I would have done a “GTA: San Andreas” on them (though in that game, I do that on purpose).

I stepped out, checked my car and lo, I had a blown front right tire. I whipped out my air compressor and started airing it out but it just hissed and hissed. It turns out there was a huge crack on the side of the tire, probably caused by that wild skid. (I wanted to write “I left huge skidmarks on the road” here but I didn’t want to be quoted on that).

I popped my trunk and moved all my office stuff to the backseat of my car then I noticed there was this seedy looking dude in his early 20’s standing beside me. I continued to move my stuff when 2 more guys (one was bigger than me) walked by and scouted the contents of my car, how bad the tire damage was and probably, if they can take me on. Something's not right. I closed the trunk and tossed my jack and my cross wrench back into the passenger’s seat. I also started drafting my plan:

If the big guy attacks, I’ll kick him in the crotch, hop in my car and flee on a busted tire.

If the smaller guy attacks, I’ll kick the big guy in the crotch, hop in my car and flee on a busted tire.

Ok, look. I’m a photographer/database administrator… I’m not Jackie Chan. All I know is to take pictures, maintain SQL Server 2005 and kick people in the yagballs.

This is where reality kicks in. In that Sam Milby movie, he blows out a tire and Toni Gonzaga drops by to help him. When I blow out a tire, I get 4 dirty looking guys. What gives?

Out of nowhere, this old guy from a nearby landscaping shop comes in and asks me to take my car to his parking lot so I can change my tire there. Apparently that street is known for blown tires, seedy kids and city tow trucks who’ll charge you big time. He had this very warm and mellow voice and he kept laughing and smiling. He was like Santa Claus without the beard, 3 feet shorter and wears a sando. The 4 guys left though they would still look back from time to time but wouldn't bother me again.

I drove over to the parking lot of his shop and changed tires. He even loaned me his alligator jack. I checked out the tire and it’s really FUBAR now. Sigh. These Falken 205/45R17’s cost a fortune. =(



When I was all set, I returned the jack to this old guy and offered him 200 bucks which he refused. Technically, yeah he didn’t really do anything other than point his parking lot but I was really grateful that I didn’t have to deal with those 4 characters. I asked for the name of the shop.

He said “Andy’s Rose Garden”.

I asked who he was.

“Andy.”

Wow, the owner was the one who helped me? I asked for a calling card in case I’ll need anything from there in the future. He said he was just happy to help, still with a big smile and he walked away. I drove off and arrived at Jaye’s covered in dirt and grease.


Andy's Rose Garden

It feels good to know that genuinely good people still exist in this world. =)

Not a Good Year for Sports

… if you’re me.

I'm a big sports fan and I feel I was heavily cursed this year. It was like fate decided to pick on me and doomed all the sports teams I root for. To all those who hang out with me, you know I'm a die hard fan of the Boston Red Sox and DLSU basketball. I'm also into our local company basketball league, the Sacramento Kings of the NBA and fantasy basketball.

How about those Pacquiao victories over Hatton and Cotto? Yeah, those two felt good. It made me happy that a Filipino is one of the greatest boxers in history however, I'm just not passionate about boxing because:
1. I can't take up boxing since I'm heavy enough to fight Mike Tyson.
2. I don't want a sport that highlights your weight.
3. I find it weird when two shirtless guys hug each other during the fight in front of thousands of people.

Meikkolodeon
Our ABL (the basketball league at our company) basketball team had a tough start in the season before gaining momentum, finishing the season strong, making the playoffs and making our senior manager buy us lots of boxes of pizza and donuts.



… and then? Our first game in the playoffs was against this tall team who abused our obvious flaw: we were a team of small guards. We only one had one true big guy in Tholitz and he wasn’t available for that game. In fact, the team was so small the guy they depended to rebound couldn’t even jump over a bottle of coke (guess who).

… the kick on the crotch. I only scored two points the entire season. I had video clips of almost all our games and I didn’t even have that shot, the only one that went in, on video. Oh, I also had severe conditioning problems... take a look at our team picture above. I played the least minutes in the team and yet I looked like I just came from a 21K marathon

… on the bright side. Kudos to Don who coached the team, scored the points, laid out the game plan and played defense. Being the coach was his toughest task. Can you imagine the team being tired in the 4th quarter in desperate need of scoring help then him looking at the bench for help and seeing no one but me gulping a big bottle of Gatorade. It’s like you being mugged, you reach out to your pocket for any defensive weapon you may have and find out you have nothing but cotton balls.

De La Salle Green Archers
DLSU fielded a young team this season who were supposed to blend in with our veterans. We still believed in the team since every year we fielded weak teams on paper and yet do surprisingly well in the season and in the playoffs.

… and then? Bader Malabes happened. La Salle had two quick losses then a couple of good games in the first round of the season. The second round was so horrible that I wished we were just suspended.

… the kick on the crotch. Simon Atkins.

… another the kick on the crotch. Ferdinand. (No first name, he’s like “Madonna” or “Cher”)

… another the kick on the crotch. James Mangahas.

… another the kick on the crotch. Peejay Barua.

… another the kick on the crotch. Franz Pumaren leaving the DLSU program to be replaced by his brother Dindo.

… the final kick on the crotch. This:

… on the bright side. The veterans will be graduating. Those who will stay can opt to just leave unless they work hard during the off season. We also have lots of Malabes jokes and that funny video of Hitler finding out that La Salle was eliminated.

Holy Cows
This was my 2009 fantasy basketball team. I started off slow due to key injuries but made key pickups from the waiver wire. I was also able to manage the games played well and I ended up playing all games until the end of the season.

… the kick on the crotch. Amare Stoudemire, his scratched cornea and me without any other centers in the team.

… another kick on the crotch. I dropped the only two point guards I had – Jameer Nelson (who later was named to the all-star team) and TJ Ford.

… on the bright side. I finished first… tied with Don. I was one turnover away from the title and my prediction on the last day was wrong. I played the last game safe and ended up tied at first.

Sacramento Kings
It’s a rebuilding team in the NBA but they can train their young stars. Kevin Martin has been unstoppable at times and Jason Thompson fast became a good draft pick. Garcia and Hawes were becoming solid players.

… and then. The team finished last in the league. Thompson fizzled out an got tired while Martin got injured.

… the kick on the crotch. Beno Udrih, with a game as unusual as his last name.

… another kick on the crotch. Despite having the worst record in the league, the Kings didn’t get the #1 pick in the lottery which would have been the promising Blake Griffin.

… the final kick on the crotch. The LA Lakers, Sacramento’s archrivals, won the NBA title.

Boston Red Sox
The team started strong even running a good streak against the Yankees. We had too many good pitchers, too many relief pitchers and for the hitting, we even added Victor Martinez. Big Papi also came out of his hitting slump and became the Papi of old.

… and then? The team slumped at the worst possible time. Matsuzaka and Wakefield got injured. Our two big game starters (Beckett and Lester) lost close games and the final game was lost when our invincible closer suddenly became mortal.

… the kick on the crotch. Boston lost most of the games in the latter part of the season against the Yankees.

… another kick on the crotch. Manny Ramirez.

… another kick on the crotch. Kat Castrence, Jhon Magtalas and Lure Sese.

… another kick on the crotch. The hated Yankees cleanly won the World Series.

… on the bright side. There’s one?

Basically, it's a year where Ateneo, the Yankees and the Lakers are all champions in their respective leagues. You know what really concerns me now? All of them are poised to repeat the next year...

Yikes!

Things I'm thankful for

Happy thanksgiving! While it has been interesting and challenging year, there are so many things to be thankful for:

1. tall Café Lattes.


2. my Nike Sportsband


3. my beat up running shoes.


4. Manny Pacquiao for putting the Philippines in the map though the world now thinks all 97 million Pinoys are boxers.


5. Kaye Flores’ blog who gave me the idea of the “Something new every week” bit.


6. Efren Penaflorida, the 2009 CNN Hero of the Year, who for one day had all major newspapers feature a headline that did not involve politics, natural disasters and Manny Pacquiao.


7. Bader Malabes who single-handedly transformed me from DLSU basketball fan to DLSU basketball analyst.


8. Sausage McMuffins and hash browns


9. my 2009 hideous Starbucks planner


10. my Logitech wireless mouse.


11. the relocation of our office from Makati to Mandaluyong. No more Makati rush hour traffic!


12. Hershey, my Chihuahua who listens to me whine all night and still thinks I’m a good guy.


13. my subleads – KC Caringal, Jeff Bandejas, Gerie Elman and Ester Fernandez who have managed to understand my orders no matter how incoherent I am on most days.


14. PLDT WeRoam which allows me to watch SportsCenter in traffic.


15. my unusual love for writing


16. my Nokia 5800 which gives me a decent camera phone, a radio and access to the Internet using my personal laptop.


17. Beckett, Lester, Matsuzaka, Wakefield, Bucholz, Ellsbury, Pedroia, Martinez, Ortiz, Papelbon for a good year.


18. weekends and holidays


19. my iPod Touch which not only provided me with music but also served as my photo portfolio, games and handy dandy notebook.


20. Dr. Gregory House who showed me that the world can coexist with an obnoxious, cocky, weird and limping team leader.


21. Photoshop


22. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. which reminded me that everything in life can be laughed at if you really want to.


23. Apocalypse: The Second World War, the special at National Geographic that made me appreciate world history a lot lot more.


24. Beef Yakiniku from Tokyo Tokyo


25. Carlos Mencia who gave me a different angle on how funny life is.


26. my Nikon DSLR


27. Plants vs Zombies which helped me forget about my troubles and showed me that you’ll be safe from zombies as long as you have a peashooter, sunflowers, garlic and some walnuts around.


28. Spencer Johnson who told me to move with the cheese.


29. My Nike Zoom Kobe 4 basketball shoes which I wore in all my games in the ABL. Yes, I was riding the bench most of the time, I got tired for standing still, I had more airballs than fouls and had more fouls than points… but at least I had cool new shoes.


30. The CIO Space Management team for letting me tag along in their team building.


31. Facebook which enabled me to reconnect with my friends despite a horrible work schedule.


32. Farmville which made me think how strawberries can grow in 2 hours while wheat takes 3 days.


33. Mafia Wars which taught me you can beat a whole group of people using Monkey Brain Stew and mashed potatoes.


34. Restaurant City… it was fun while it lasted.


35. Café World which taught me that you can get an existing concept, modify it a little and market it as your own while claiming all ownership of it.


36. Fishville which made my mom wonder why I spend 7 times a day feeding my virtual fish when my real fish at home is THIS close from evolving arms and legs so it can climb up and open the jar of fish food himself.


37. Dan Brown for showing me that there are 750 peso paperweights out there. Sorry for still not reading your book.


38. Danny Gokey and Adam Lambert


39. my car which despite nicks and scratches, a busted air filter, chipping paint and an oblong wheel never bailed out on me and never hit my wallet.


40. Ria for her dinner treats, Ben and Jerry’s in Singapore and the Portillo’s cake recipe.


41. my Diana Lomography camera for reminding me that I’m not a photo genius after all.


42. The hot air balloon festival.


43. the pesto panini sandwich from Joey Pepperoni.


44. Fully Booked at Bonifacio High Street which makes me believe I was back at Borders in Chicago, one of my true happy places.


45. Bill Simmons


46. Digital Photographer magazines for giving me photography projects that I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) complete.


47. life who showed me that I miss 100% of shots I don’t take.


48. Jaye’s family who have welcomed me with open arms.


49. my family who have always been supportive despite all the practical jokes I played on them.


50. Jaye who has seen the darkest side of me but still thinks I’m more handsome than Piolo and John Lloyd combined, have more abs than Jacob Black, better in basketball than Lebron James, faster than Usain Bolt and more humble than the pope.

The Lost Holiday

November 27… you probably had this date circled on your calendar but for some reason, you’re at work, nothing’s special happening and you feel like something’s missing... or stolen.

Yep, it’s supposed to be a non-working holiday today in Manila.

(I’ll give you a moment to curse the Department of Trade and Industry)

They kept it mysteriously quiet the past few weeks when earlier this month, we had multiple announcements about how the government and the government alone (hugas kamay tactic) modified the holiday to be in effect in the ARMM only (Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao) after being pressured by the DTI citing decreased productivity and typhoons as the main reasons. Apparently the DTI thinks that all businesses and employees are currently located in the Marikina area.

So we have to work today. Big deal, right? The real concern with employees however is how this will affect future holidays. If we’ve already lost two holidays (both with uber lame excuses), what’s stopping the government from going after the other holidays?

By the way, today I issued an offer to my co-workers: “Tell me what holiday today is and I’ll let you work from home”. … we’re all here in the office.

Here are my predictions on how the government will mess with the other previously declared holidays:

Nov 30, 2009 – Bonifacio day
The government announces that the holiday will only be in effect in Fort Bonifacio which will draw ire from companies based there and will end up forcing their people to work… sorry, I meant “giving employees the opportunity to personally take part in improving productivity for our company during these challenging times”. "our" pa talaga no?

(bato bato sa langit...)

Dec 24, 2009 - Additional Special Non-Working Holiday
The government announces that all employees will still be required to work since this holiday is really celebrated in the evening.

Dec 25, 2009 - Christmas
The government brings up the debate on when Jesus was really born and slaps a temporary restraining order on the holiday.

Dec 30, 2009 – Rizal Day
The government announces that everyone’s required to work… then gives a memo based on an article by Fr. Jose Rodriguez

Dec 31, 2009 and Jan 1, 2009 – New Year
The government announces that these 2 days will be non-working holidays. The government however orders all TV stations to air nothing but “Galing at Talino” ads, prompting everyone to work rather than endure another ad from Gibo.

Apr 01, 2010 - Maundy Thursday and Good Friday
The government announces that the holiday is only effective in the ARMM. Go figure.

Apr 9, 2010 - Araw ng Kagitingan
The government announces that the day commemorates the battle of Bataan but suddenly cancels the holiday when they realize “teka… talo tayo dun a!”

May 01, 2010 - Labor Day
The government announces that employees must do labor on labor day.

(Ugh, I’ve been running this joke for 4 straight years now.)

May 10, 2010 - 2010 National Elections
The government renames the day “Vote for Gibo” day. Employees are excused from work only if they provided proof that they voted and one more condition which they can’t mention. Let’s just say only 4% were validly excused.

June 14, 2010 - Independence Day
The country celebrates its independence… from GMA.

Aug 30, 2010 - National Heroes Day
The government announces it’s National Heroes day. Employees take their well deserved day of rest as they learn bit by bit on the importance of this day. Everything’s as planned. Hey, it’s a new government.

Updates on the 2010 Starbucks Planner

I finally got one! After 16 cups of coffee, I was able to collect enough stickers to get myself a 2010 planner, which is somewhat stupid since what the heck will I do with a 2010 planner in the middle of November?

Admittedly, I’ve been gulping more coffee than I usually do the past few days thanks to lots of late night work, morning meetings and weekend deployments. The tough part is, at the same time, I’ve grown tired of the coffee they serve here in the office – it tastes like mud, it’s randomly mixed and it’s four times as strong as Starbucks brew. I’d pick an overpriced cup of Starbucks coffee over a free cup of pure concentrated caffeine solution. I tried softening the blow to my wallet by skipping my usual McDonald’s breakfast however, the impact was still significant. You know you’re having financial problems when all you have in your wallet are Manuel Quezon and Sergio Osmena. I have a hundred peso bill but, let’s just say Roxas is on leave.

The cover is hard-bound contrary to my initial review when I thought it was just sturdy plastic. The cover feels a lot more elegant. Again, sorry but I can’t stop comparing this to last year’s ghastly "manong guard" logbook.

You get two extra months since it goes from December 2009 (actually, November 30) all the way until January 2011. It sounds cool but unless this is the only planner you have, won’t these 2 months be redundant? Do you think you can buy a 2011 planner that goes from February to December?



Each day box is not ruled. If you bought a ruler and drew the lines yourself with a sign pen, you really need to get a life.

While it doesn’t come with a pen (you can always swipe one from the office naman right?), you get coupons with it for free coffee beans, free upsize, free coffee, discounts and extra shots. By the looks of it, you’ve already availed the 2 extra months.

The bookmark looks like a petrified coffee bean tied to a string. It’s so dull I couldn’t even write a joke about it.



Saturday and Sunday are still both crammed. I complained about this in my previous entry but then again, I’ve never really filled up a weekend box before. I browsed through my weekends this year and I’ve mostly written down single word events like “sleep”, “basketball” or “Jaye”. The only entry I had that was longer than one word was “Pu**%$~#@(& Conference Call”

Buti pa nga ang planner ko, may weekend. Ako, wala.

New Moon, you know...

Firepower: Pacquiao vs Cotto Random Thoughts

It’s not fair. Manny Pacquiao moves up from 106 to 144 lbs and he’s called an athletic freak of nature. I moved up from 135 to 210 lbs and they tell me I have issues.

The event is named “Firepower” with the main event being Pacman vs Cotto. Can’t they think of better titles? “Akin ang Pinas, Iyo ang Puerto Rico”?, “Paparapa-cquiao…. Love Cotto” (that McDo jingle)? Ok fine, we’ll stick with “Firepower”.

I’m not even going to write a background for this fight anymore since the past few days, all they showed on TV were special features on how Cotto is bigger (but slower) than Manny, Manny’s interviews and the historical implication of this fight (Manny’s gunning for a title in a 7th weight division). Even shows that had nothing to do with sports somehow were able to incorporate Manny in some way.

I’m no boxing expert but I’m going to say this goes into the late rounds with an even fight in the beginning, Cotto running out of gas in the middle rounds and starts dropping in the 7th and 8th rounds until eventually Manny just sweeps him off the ring. Manny in 10 for me or even earlier depending on how much the sponsors want him to go on (remember that his last fight with Hatton only lasted two rounds).

I’m looking at the weigh in photos the night before and I can’t help but notice that Manny has bulging muscles just below his chest, under the armpit area. What is that? I checked mine and it’s just all flab. Are men supposed to have those? Wow, Manny really is a freak.

By the way, Manny is Ring Magazine’s #1 pound for pound fighter. Cotto is ranked 7th. Interesting who’s at #6 – Nonito Donaire who won in his last bout against the swine flu.

Little is said (at least on local TV) about the huge advantage Pacquiao has of having Freddie Roach in his corner. Cotto has Joe Santiago, his nutritionist who I’m guess is picking up boxing tips by playing Punch Out and Fight Night. Maybe he’ll tell Cotto to just parry Pacquio’s punches then hit “A”. Maybe during the fight he’ll be shouting “B!”, “A!”, “B!”, Down! Down!

A couple more predictions:
- Manny in 10 with Cotto’s corner throwing in the towel.
- Almost 100% of the TV ads will feature Pacquiao. We’ll also see movie trailers for Wapakman.
- We’ll get political infomercials and these will be of the subtle variety.
- Completely bias TV commentary.
- Cotto will try something dirty which will be the hot topic in forums.

I was going to do a live blog update on this fight until I realized they were not showing the fight live on local TV. During the actual match, GMA 7 was still showing the Yuri Foreman – Daniel Santos fight. Thank goodness they skipped the Chavez – Rowland fight afterwards.

La Diva sung the Philippine National Anthem. I really hate to sound ignorant but… who?

Michael Buffer does his thing. Don’t you just love his job? He just reads what’s written on a piece of paper and pretends to know what he’s talking about. He already has what it takes to be a supervisor.

Round 1: Jab. Jab. Jab. Jab. Jab. Jab. Jab. Cotto looks fast and Pacquiao is getting hit with a lot of unusual combinations as they both feel each other out. If I wasn’t talking about boxing, the previous sentence is a really gay one. The round ended and it’s credited to Cotto.

Here it comes! The first political ad and it’s not a subtle one! It’s one for Dick Gordon who’s running for… uh… er… wait, is he running at all?

Round 2: More jabs to the face of Manny. A few more combinations from both fighters before Cotto lands a left hook bomb to Manny’s head. Pacquiao tries to unleash combinations but most are blocked. Manny looks fast but Cotto looks like a tank. Again, this round goes to Cotto.

I was wondering why LBC is showing these ads with Edu Manzano until I realized he was now running for vice president. Didn’t he already lose to Binay a few years back?

Round 3: Same story as Manny is still eating a lot of punches. Manny throws a combination which partially hits Cotto. Cotto somewhat slips while trying to avoid it causing him to land on his knee. Technically, it’s a knockdown but I wouldn’t get that much excited since it practically means nothing at that point other than an automatic 10-8 score. Cotto wasn’t even hurt.

Round 4: Manny AGAIN gets hit in the face. I don’t get his strategy, he’s standing against the ropes in a guard position while Cotto pummels him. Finally they switch positions (ala FPJ fight scenes) then the two engage in a street style fight wherein both throws all punches, no blocking. A left hook lands on Cotto and down he goes. Unlike the knockdown in round 3, this was a clean one. Cotto looked wobbly. That must have really hurt.

Round 5: Cotto gets a new life bar. He still looks strong at this point and he continues to hit Manny who is now able to answer back with combinations of his own. Here’s the difference though: Cotto’s punches connect solidly while Pacquiao’s somewhat graze Cotto. Manny is certainly absorbing a lot of punishment. We know makapal ang mok-ha nya and it has been showcased all throughout the match

Round 6: Cotto is a gear slower. His punches are there but it wasn’t as crisp as it was back in the early rounds. With Manny still almost at 100%, Cotto is starting to get hit as his trainer now opens up his laptop and starts googling articles on what to do next. “Help me Wikipedia!”

Round 7: Cotto has a lot of nicks and cuts as if he shaved in the dark. Pacquiao is still getting hit but the punches don’t seem to have any effect on him now. Cotto looks tired and he’s now backpedaling which is an obvious thing to do. If you’re on the verge of losing anyway, why would you continue and waste time and energy? You should learn to quit especially at times when we all know you’re not going to win in the elections, I mean match.

Round 8: Another gear lower for Cotto which enables Manny to pepper him with more punches. I think it’s over since each Pacquiao punch drains the life and fighting spirit out of Cotto. I almost feel sorry for the guy now.

Round 9/10/11: It was all the same story in these rounds. Cotto looks really terrible now as he’s not even engaging Manny anymore. He’s backpedaling and is avoiding Manny which draws boos from the crowd. I doubt he’ll come out of his corner for the 12th round.

Round 12: Cotto continued to fight and Manny hits Cotto with a combination. Referee Kenny Bayless made a quick check on Cotto, immediately stopped the fight and wondered what Gollum was doing in the ring.

As predicted, it was Manny’s speed and power that led to his victory. Was the match fun to watch? Definitely especially in the early rounds. Worthy of a trilogy? Nah. I don’t think Cotto can do any better than he did on this match.

For sure there will be another motorcade, more Manny ads and new Manny jokes. In fact, I already got a new one:

Q: Why did Manny paint his house again?
A: Because the priest told him to go and repent.

Congrats Manny and good luck with "Money" Mayweather!