Choosing the Mobility Aid

I had the choice of picking up which mobility aid I can use while my knee heals. Here’s the situation: I can stand up on two legs. I can walk slowly but for a maximum of 5 to 6 steps (after that I’ll need to rest a minute). I can climb up and down the stairs one step at a time. I can’t run. I can’t jump. If you tell me there’s a venomous snake behind me, I’ll do a superman dive then crawl away.

Doctors will recommend which aid to use based only on effectiveness and the type of injury you have. That’s boring. I don’t do boring. I think we should really analyze the pros and cons of each option available.

Cane

Pros: It’s mobile and lightweight which means you can carry it around without much hassle. It’s cheap and will fit a standard balikbayan box. It also serves as an instant weapon in case someone wants to mug you (think you can hit a mugger with a wheelchair?). You can also hold your cane in a Battojutsu style so you look more terrifying (something like Kenshin Himura’s Amakakeru Ryu no Hirameki). Carrying a specific cane also boosts your coolness factor since you’ll look like a drug lord or even Dr. Gregory House (they sell House’s replica cane over at Amazon).

Cons: You’re susceptible to falling down if someone accidentally hits your cane in a crowded place. Use it all day and you’ll end up with a sore shoulder and a sore wrist (then again, why walk all day if you have a bum knee?).

Crutches (armpit style)

Pros: It’s more comfortable and more stable than a cane.

Cons: Not so mobile because of its length and you may want to steer clear from dark alleys as you will look like an easy target. It requires more effort to use which means you’ll sweat more. If you sweat more then press your shirt against your armpits… you get the idea.

Crutches (forearm)

Pros: A little more comfortable than those armpit crutches.

Cons: Less support since your wrist now bears your weight. Everytime you look at the mirror with these on, you can’t help but replay that scene from “There’s Something About Mary” where Tucker drops his keys.

Walker

Pros: Does the job well.

Cons: A little OA.

Wheelchair

Pros: You always have a seat when you take the bus. Adds to your coolness factor if you get one that’s like Professor X’s.

Cons: Too OA. No wait, extremely OA.

Staff / Rod

Pros: It’s unique, it serves many purpose, it’s mobile and you have two cool options to choose from - you can get something like Moses’ rod or Gandalf’s white staff. When the bus stops in front of you, raise your staff and watch the bus kneel down in front of you (close your eyes and raise both arms for added effect).

Cons: No one will take you seriously in life. Ever.

The cane won by a hair. I was making a serious case for Jaye to allow me to have the Moses rod or the Gandalf staff but she didn’t believe me when I promised I won’t try to part the puddles along Dearborn St. She didn’t believe me when I said I wouldn’t stand in the middle of the pedestrian crosswalk along Clark shouting “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!”.

Darn. She knows me too well.