The Rolex Heist

Last week, the Rolex store in Greenbelt 5 was robbed by armed men wearing bomb squad uniforms in broad daylight. They went to the basement parking then told the guards that they were responding to a bomb scare. They stormed the store and did the ol’ smash and grab until they were confronted by the bodyguards of the Taguig City mayor who was having lunch nearby. One robber was shot dead while the others were able to get away.

The dead robber was carrying a .45 caliber pistol while the others had Armalite rifles. I pity the guy who drew the short stick and ended up with the pistol.

How did they pass through the entrance? Weren’t the mall guards supposed to frisk them? Maybe the guards frisked them and checked their bags but as always, they have no idea what they're looking for!

Didn’t the basement guards notice anything funny when the “bomb squad” arrived riding a Honda City and a Toyota Corolla? In our office building, it’s already a big deal when pizza delivery boys arrive in tricycles instead of their motor bikes.

Poor mall guards. Reports say they were overpowered and didn’t offer any resistance. Who could blame them? They were only armed with a batuta, a flashlight and a long stick used to “search” bags.

Can you imagine if the robbery went really wrong and they didn’t reach the Rolex store? What if they ended up robbing Pink Soda? Headlines the next day: “Really Gay Robbers Robs Pink Soda: Escaped but Looked Fabulous”

What if this was a big misunderstanding? What if they obtained a cellphone from one of the robbers with a text message “Here na us in CALTEX GREENBELT 5. Where na U?”

Parking at Greenbelt is so expensive that the robbers had to use one of the watches they stole as payment for their basement parking fee.

I heard there was supposed to be one more of them but one robber got lost and ended up at Timex.

Investigators say the whole heist was well funded but poorly executed. A rich powerful man but ridiculously stupid… hmmm…? Isn't he running for... uh... nevermind.

Here’s the thing, according to reports, the robbers ended up stealing only the “Tudor” watches. They were not able to get any Rolex watches. This means it’s like storming a local bank then making away with the bank’s ballpens and manong guard’s columnar notebook.

I pity the people who were planning to give away Rolex watches as gifts for Christmas.

I pity the people who bought those black “bomb squad” shirts in Green Hills.

Seriously though, I wish establishments would beef up security now, not just for malls but for everywhere else. Who knows where they could hit next. At least I know they couldn't hit the place where I work. Before they could get to my floor, they would have given up on those looooooooooong lines for the elevator.