Cooking with Arnold

From the pages of Arnold's cookbook:

Half Cooked Linguine with Charred Garlic Bread

First we cook the noodles.

1. Open a pack of Jewel brand linguine.
2. Boil water in a small saucepan. Not much of a choice since the medium sized is filled with cooking oil (used by Chris for deep frying) and the large one is...well... missing...
3. Add salt then place the noodles into the boiling water.
4. After a few minutes, once half the noodles are almost cooked, force the pertruding (the other half) noodles into the saucepan.
5. Once the noodles can now fit into the dinky sauce pan, set the timer to 5 minutes then watch SportsCenter on TV and watch some LeBron highlights from last night.
6. Alarm sounds... but they're still showing more LeBron highlights and Maria Sharapova highlights... ignore the alarm and wait for 2 more minutes.
7. You end up finishing the show and realize that it has been 10 minutes already. You run to the kitchen and check out your half slightly overcooked half really overcooked noodles.
8. Now you realize you forgot to open the vents. Smoke fills the ceiling as you watch the smoke detector and pray that it doesn't trip. You open a window and get static shocked in the process.
9. Too lazy to bring out the strainer, you just try to tip the saucepan to get rid of the pasta water.
10. Place the "strained" noodles into a bowl. Wonder how come one half of the noodles is white and firm and other half is yellow and soggy.

...and that's just the noodles. Now let's go to the sauce...

1. Take out a can of tomato sauce, a pack of frozen hotdogs... realize that you don't know what the other ingredients are... let alone what to do with it. Put everything back and just take out that jar of Emeril's homestyle marinara sauce.
2. After 10 minutes trying to get the jar open, place some into a small bowl. Don't forget to spill some on the counter.
3. Put the bowl into the microwave and set the timer to 1 minute. Go back to the couch to watch highlights of last night's Denver Nuggets - Sacramento Kings game
4. "Bam! Bam!". No it's not Emeril. That was the sauce which is now splattered inside the microwave
5. Place a few more tablespoons of marinara sauce (equivalent to the amount you can scrape off the microwave) and heat for 20 seconds.

noodles and sauce... now for the garlic bread.

1. Take out a nonstick frying pan. Begin to heat around 5 tablespoons of canola oil.
2. Chop up garlic. Oh wait, do that thing with the knife's side. It looks really cool.
3. Once the oil's hot, put in chopped garlic. Yes, you forgot to remove the skin. Fish them out with a fork.
4. Wait for the garlic to turn brown.
5. Realizing that you should've placed butter instead of canola oil, NOW you add butter. Ponder why you placed canola oil in the first place. Was it even really canola oil?
6. Now the garlic's turning black. Quick! Begin toasting bread.
7. Ok. Now the garlic's charred and you forgot that the toaster is racist (I'll explain some other time) and doesn't pop out the bread. Now the bread's charred on one side.
8. Throw out bread and toast another pair.
9. Great. You burned it again. Oh well, that'll do. Pour the charred garlic and oil into the toasted...uh... charred bread.

Now you decide: eat this stuff.... or order take out from Singha?

Either way you're already late, the kitchen's a mess and the microwave looked like it just murdered something.